Monday, November 7, 2022
Every time I think about writing, I am overwhelmed by what to say that might make sense, might convey the depths of the experience I am currently having across the globe. I planned this trip 9 months ago - pretty soon after my youngest kiddo decided they were moving to Chicago for college. I knew I needed something of my own to plan - something that would both anchor me and help me to fly. Coming to see my teacher in Byron Bay, Australia was just the medicine. It has been incredibly nourishing to be a student - to be challenged and supported in my practice.
The asana practice of Ashtanga Vinyasa Yoga is not easy for me. It never has been easy. But easy is not what I have ever been looking for. Transformative, deep, soulful, strong, nourishing, and spiritual is what calls to me. Therefore I continue to practice every day. In so doing, I continue to learn about myself - my mind, my limitations, my fears, my ego, my intuition, my body, all of it is divulged to me through practice.
More than the impact on the body, the practice of asana and meditation, have an impact on the mind. Being here with so much time in silence, my inner landscape is front and center.
Our internal landscape has such an impact on how we experience things and what we see in front of us, thus it is imperative that we keep this landscape clear. The quality of the mind colors everything. I have been immersed here in meditation, pranayama, chanting, prayer, and asana. For the hours I am practicing, and the few hours after practice, I feel pure joy. My mind is without waves, without the churning of vritti. I see clearly and feel like the possibilities in my life are endless. Give me a few hours though, and doubt creeps in - who am i? what is my purpose? what is next? Give me a few more hours (actually a few more minutes) and I can no longer see the beauty of the ocean, hear the songs of the birds, taste the chai that was just the most delicious drink ever. Instead, my mind takes me away from the present to worrying about my children, my finances, the state of the world, oppression, global warming, and soon enough everything I have let go in the practice, comes flooding back. Does this ever happen to you? The thing right in front of you disappears and the torrential flood of your mind takes you on a ride.
When this happens, we are sure something has changed "out there", when actually it is "in here" that makes it seem different. We can be doing something we absolutely love, but if our mind is cluttered we won't experience joy or the love.
And so again, we practice. Over and over and over again. We let go every time we exhale. We let go of all the shit that sits on top of us and creates weight. We let go of our fears, our worries, and our concerns so that the mind has a respite from the churning. It is this respite that connects us to our true self, to the divine within, to the pure light of awareness that never, ever leaves us. It is the letting go that brings us back to our center. It is the letting go that clears our inner landscape so that we may truly see what is in front of us. It is the letting go that helps us in asana and meditation. It is the letting go that clears the path. Why are we so scared and resistant to let go?
On the mat we balance strength and flexibility, expansion and contraction, drawing in and letting go, firming and softening, while being supported and challenged - all so that deep learning can occur, all so that we get to know and understand ourselves better. We work with the body on the mat, the same way we do life off the mat. However we treat ourselves in practice, we will treat ourselves and others in the world. That is why it is so important that the self-criticism of the postures be left at the door. They have no place coming in the room. Kindness and compassion must start on the mat. The cultivation of Ahimsa - to do no harm in thought, action, or deed starts as the arms are raised overhead and continues through savasana. I am integrating the teaching of this yama on a deeper level than I ever have. Dena is telling me some of the same things she's told me over and over for years and instead of getting frustrated with myself, criticizing myself, and wondering why I can't do something - I am steady, trying again, letting go of judgment, trying again, finding the balance of firming and softening, trying again . . . this is how practice is meant to be. As I keep my mind clear, the instructions land in my body and my practice changes. The thing Dena is challenging me about shifts and I am able to embody it - NOT because I have criticized myself, but because I let go of the criticism and trusted. The letting go brings me back to what is right in front of me - the posture, the breath, the bandhas, the dristhi, which brings me back to my center. That is the gift we won't get any other way - the gift of everything falling away - yogas chitta vritti nirodhah — the stilling of the fluctuations of the mind. When we calm the mental chatter, we can begin to yoke; cultivating the natural union within ourselves so that we find peace and bliss.
Om Shanti
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