Remembering

March 22, 2021

 

A full year + has gone by since I last wrote. Once again my personal world gave me more than I could bear at the end of 2019 and so I just stopped writing. I stopped doing all of the extra stuff. I slowed down. I went inward. I asked for help. I practiced. I taught. I breathed. I parented. One of my children was struggling and needed different and bigger help than I could give. I had to face my limitations and my child's needs and how to proceed. I had to face my grief in a new way. Since my mom's death in December 2017 I had been grieving. The grief hadn't really let up, it was merely shifting and changing. Not only was my personal world dishing out difficulties, but our world at large over the past 16 months was showing up with the harsh reality of truth - racist violence, the empowerment of white supremacists, the further disempowerment of people of color, the pandemic of Covid19, there was no one in my life that was left unchanged by these events.

I questioned my role as a yoga teacher and wellness guide, my values as a parent, my identity as a queer woman, and everything else under the sun. How is breathing going to get me through this? How am I going to face my students on zoom, when I really don't like screens? How am I going to help provide my students community, steadiness, and teaching without hands on adjustments and seeing their eyes? How will I stay steady with so much uncertainty?

And yet, for one year I have been doing it. I've been showing up on zoom and offering the best of what I know every day. I've been meditating deeper than I ever have. I've been practicing without fail and immersing in spirituality in a profound way.

My son moved to Washington to attend college. He is having a Covid college experience, living on campus and finding his way - being safe and staying in his pod. He loves his independence and freedom. He loves Washington and figuring out his path. We talk often and stay connected. Stepping away from his regular life has given him a broad perspective about his life that is new for him - it isn't always easy to get new insight. He has expressed gratitude on many, many phone calls about our relationship and having me as his mom. For a while he was attending weekly yoga classes with me on zoom. This made my heart swell. He'll come back to it, if and when, it's right for him.

My daughter has struggled over the last year (and beyond) with being human and 16 and in high school over zoom. She teaches me every day what it means to be strong and vulnerable. She is fiercely independent and yet still a kid - which can be a difficult experience to manage. She doesn't have an easy time in her mind and doesn't always want to show up to life. I've learned how to give her spacious support, to deeply listen to what she says, and to love her up even when she's pushing me away.

Parenting is like practice. We show up as best we can. We show up imperfectly. We breathe. We pause. We show up as we are, even when it's hard. We show up every day, no matter what.

Om Shanti