The unimaginable.
Nov 10, 2019
I have stayed quiet externally; I have not internally.
I have not posted anything, or even talked about it in my classes. I have talked to my closest friends and colleagues.
I am a person who often doesn't get involved in social media, what people are posting, or who is saying what. At times I don't even listen to the news or read about what is happening. This is sometimes the wrong approach. I keep my head down and plant my feet firmly on the ground and do what needs to be done. This is how I often keep myself steady.
Until now, I have not spoken out about Pattahbi Jois' sexual misconduct and harm towards his students. I have not spoken out about the stories shared by the women who have come forth saying they were hurt sexually.
I believe.
We have to believe the women who have come forward about their experience of sexual assault by the hands, and under the guidance, of Sri K Pattabhi Jois. We have to honor their experience. Women don't make this up. They were harmed in the way that Pattabhi Jois touched and adjusted their bodies in the yoga room. They were harmed by the culture of silence that surrounded the harm. They were harmed by the culture of holding the guru on a different plain than others. They were most likely also harmed by they way things have unfolded today.
The past.
I have been practicing and teaching Ashtanga yoga for over 20 years (albeit on the fringes a bit) and cannot imagine my life or my students' lives without this practice. On the fringes, because I have never sought out certification or authorization. One, because until only recently could I even afford to make a trip to India (I have been raising children for the last 18 years); two, I feel like the process of certification and authorization builds a wall between who is inside and who is outside; and three, this process does not create a teacher, only a practitioner.
Early on in my Ashtanga experience (1999) I had the realization that yogis don't always practice the 8 limbs, and as a result harm was caused to me and others. I was shocked and in disbelief that someone could call themselves a yogi and be a yoga teacher, and directly and unequivocally harm another person. For me, this practice is not something I take lightly and I do everything I can to authentically live a life based on yogic philosophy and all eight limbs. This experience in 1999 made me question everything I thought I knew and felt about Ashtanga Yoga, and about this teacher in particular. Unfortunately that was only the beginning of this lesson.
The Present.
I practice.
I teach.
I hold.
I honor.
I stay true.
I guide.
I have tried to create a place where students who study with me are treated with integrity for their own journey, their own bodies, their own experience. I have an open dialogue with my students about adjustments and have hopefully given them space to make their voices heard if something doesn't feel right.
I have so many feelings and thoughts about Pattabhi Jois and his inappropriate behavior, his perpetrating sexual assault and harm on women and how it affected his students, how Sharath has handled it, how divided people have become, how confusing it is to sort through everything. I feel incredibly sad and angry that Pattabhi Jois acted in this manner and put students in harms way.
Dark and Light.
It is both true that Pattabhi Jois caused harm and created healing. It is both true that he was an inappropriate teacher to some and an amazing teacher to others. It is both true that he hurt women through sexual assault and that he guided others with integrity. I am holding all of the layers and stories. I have to hold both because if I take sides either way, it destroys the truth of the other. We have to hold our own experience. We have to look inside ourselves deeply and discover truth.
I cared deeply for this man as a human and a teacher. My experiences with him were positive. There was a time when my son was an infant (my son is now almost 18) and I brought him to a class and discussion session that Pattabhi Jois was teaching in San Francisco, because it was the only way for me to attend. I wasn't sure how I or my child would be received. I had only practiced with PJ one other time. When I entered the room, PJ walked over to me straight away with a huge smile on his face and welcomed me with his generosity and openness. He scooped Noah up in his arms and walked over to where Sharath was standing. The two of them talked to him in their native language Kannada and kept smiling. The acceptance I felt was incredible and it shaped the way I saw PJ from there forward.
I believe this is the complexity of the human condition and that it is most difficult for us to see light and dark. We want badly for people to be either, or. Life is complicated and messy and in my heart I am holding both.
I haven't spoken out because I have been in the midst of life's storm on many levels in my personal life. I had to come to an understanding internally first, before I could put words to what I think and feel; how I think and feel about the harm Pattabhi Jois caused. About the harm that I feel, that many of us feel. I think it is an evolving process that is just beginning.
Pattabhi Jois did this terrible thing to some of his students and it is creating a divide in Ashtanga communities across the globe. Teachers and students are angry, confused, sad, and turning against each other because of what some believe versus what others believe; how some are handling it versus how others are handling it. The harm was done. The harm is felt by the victims directly affected. Even though the harm was done decades ago, it is lasting into the present. The harm is affecting students who never experienced the inappropriate adjustments. The harm is affecting students who have never even met Pattabhi Jois.
Questioning.
I know students who are questioning whether or not to continue practicing Ashtanga. They are questioning the legacy of Pattabhi Jois. They are questioning the traditional system of Ashtanga. I know teachers who have walked away because they can't align themselves with a system of yoga that has caused harm. Each person has to follow their heart.
I have devoted my life to this practice and its teachings, and walking away or giving it up is not an option that I can live with. Ashtanga yoga is much bigger than one teacher, than one person. Now that we know the harm that was done, now that we have the stories of the victims, we have to support and honor their healing. We have to allow space for healing. We have to allow room for their voices to be heard.
In Berkeley.
I am deepening my own practice and discovering the ways I can support my students in their practice. I want to open dialogue for people to talk about how they feel and what they need. There are many reasons why I haven't spoken up until now. I keep asking myself, who am I to take up space on this issue when I am not one of the people who was directly impacted. And, what could I possibly say that would matter as I am such a small fish in this big wide ocean of Ashtanga and no one even knows who I am.
Each day I show up and teach this system as I have come to understand it over 20 years of teaching and even more of daily practice. Each day I feel blessed to have yoga in my life; and it helps guide me to be a better human. It is of the utmost importance that I use my teaching for good. It is my responsibility to act with the utmost integrity and care in my teaching, in all ways.
Om Shanti
Recent Comments