There is No Fixing Anything

July 18, 2015

My mom's cancer is back. Ready or not to be on this journey again, we all pick up our boot straps and get on the path - me from California and my sister from a mile and a half a way.  Ready or not to fight for her life again, my mom must gather her strength and put up her dukes.  My step dad's birthday is today.  Happy birthday dearest Jim. My mom got out of the hospital again today - that is the gift she was able to offer her husband. 

Cancer is in the center of her life.  Before it came back, there was the fear it would come back - and it did - 14 months after her last chemo treatment   I talk to her on the phone and she is tired and worn out from it already.  My sister is a rock.  She holds it all together. I wonder when she will grow weary and feel the ache in her body. We are facing the truth of my mom's mortality and in facing that, we face the truth of all of our mortality.

I am not there to experience daily life with my mom.  I am not physically there to do my part as a daughter.  I am not there to help with transportation, cook meals, hold hands, soothe the fears, or watch my mom fight her fight. It sucks. God bless my family for keeping me in the loop as best they can, for answering all of my questions, and for forgiving my distance.  This causes my heart to ache beyond words - the distance.

The only thing left to do is wake up every morning. There is no running away from this.  My mom doesn't get that luxury.  For her, there is no way around this.  The only way is through it.  I am so sorry mom.  I am so sorry that life is doling out difficulties and you have to deal with this again.

I will be back in Texas on Monday.  Noah and Ren will be there too.  Dre is meeting us mid-week. This trip will be different than we thought.  We planned it originally when my mom was feeling almost back to her regular self.  We planned it before we knew the cancer had come back.  We planned it before my mom had emergency surgery and two hospital stays. We waited to visit until my mom was feeling up for it. None of this was in the plan. If I could make this better, I would. If I could take away the cancer and the pain and the fear, I would do it in a heartbeat.  And yet I can't fix it.  There is no fixing anything. There is only being with it and each other and sharing all that we can as long as we can.

Om Shanti

God Bless