Melanie's blog

Letting Go

Monday, November 7, 2022

 

Every time I think about writing, I am overwhelmed by what to say that might make sense, might convey the depths of the experience I am currently having across the globe. I planned this trip 9 months ago - pretty soon after my youngest kiddo decided they were moving to Chicago for college. I knew I needed something of my own to plan - something that would both anchor me and help me to fly. Coming to see my teacher in Byron Bay, Australia was just the medicine. It has been incredibly nourishing to be a student - to be challenged and supported in my practice.

The asana practice of Ashtanga Vinyasa Yoga is not easy for me. It never has been easy. But easy is not what I have ever been looking for. Transformative, deep, soulful, strong, nourishing, and spiritual is what calls to me. Therefore I continue to practice every day. In so doing, I continue to learn about myself - my mind, my limitations, my fears, my ego, my intuition, my body, all of it is divulged to me through practice.

More than the impact on the body, the practice of asana and meditation, have an impact on the mind. Being here with so much time in silence, my inner landscape is front and center.

Our internal landscape has such an impact on how we experience things and what we see in front of us, thus it is imperative that we keep this landscape clear. The quality of the mind colors everything. I have been immersed here in meditation, pranayama, chanting, prayer, and asana. For the hours I am practicing, and the few hours after practice, I feel pure joy. My mind is without waves, without the churning of vritti. I see clearly and feel like the possibilities in my life are endless. Give me a few hours though, and doubt creeps in - who am i? what is my purpose? what is next?  Give me a few more hours (actually a few more minutes) and I can no longer see the beauty of the ocean, hear the songs of the birds, taste the chai that was just the most delicious drink ever. Instead, my mind takes me away from the present to worrying about my children, my finances, the state of the world, oppression, global warming, and soon enough everything I have let go in the practice, comes flooding back. Does this ever happen to you? The thing right in front of you disappears and the torrential flood of your mind takes you on a ride.

When this happens, we are sure something has changed "out there", when actually it is "in here" that makes it seem different. We can be doing something we absolutely love, but if our mind is cluttered we won't experience joy or the love.

And so again, we practice. Over and over and over again. We let go every time we exhale. We let go of all the shit that sits on top of us and creates weight. We let go of our fears, our worries, and our concerns so that the mind has a respite from the churning. It is this respite that connects us to our true self, to the divine within, to the pure light of awareness that never, ever leaves us. It is the letting go that brings us back to our center. It is the letting go that clears our inner landscape so that we may truly see what is in front of us. It is the letting go that helps us in asana and meditation. It is the letting go that clears the path. Why are we so scared and resistant to let go?

On the mat we balance strength and flexibility, expansion and contraction, drawing in and letting go, firming and softening, while being supported and challenged - all so that deep learning can occur, all so that we get to know and understand ourselves better. We work with the body on the mat, the same way we do life off the mat. However we treat ourselves in practice, we will treat ourselves and others in the world. That is why it is so important that the self-criticism of the postures be left at the door. They have no place coming in the room. Kindness and compassion must start on the mat. The cultivation of Ahimsa - to do no harm in thought, action, or deed starts as the arms are raised overhead and continues through savasana. I am integrating the teaching of this yama on a deeper level than I ever have. Dena is telling me some of the same things she's told me over and over for years and instead of getting frustrated with myself, criticizing myself, and wondering why I can't do something - I am steady, trying again, letting go of judgment, trying again, finding the balance of firming and softening, trying again . . . this is how practice is meant to be. As I keep my mind clear, the instructions land in my body and my practice changes. The thing Dena is challenging me about shifts and I am able to embody it - NOT because I have criticized myself, but because I let go of the criticism and trusted. The letting go brings me back to what is right in front of me - the posture, the breath, the bandhas, the dristhi, which brings me back to my center. That is the gift we won't get any other way - the gift of everything falling away - yogas chitta vritti nirodhah — the stilling of the fluctuations of the mind. When we calm the mental chatter, we can begin to yoke; cultivating the natural union within ourselves so that we find peace and bliss.

Om Shanti

Remembering

March 22, 2021

 

A full year + has gone by since I last wrote. Once again my personal world gave me more than I could bear at the end of 2019 and so I just stopped writing. I stopped doing all of the extra stuff. I slowed down. I went inward. I asked for help. I practiced. I taught. I breathed. I parented. One of my children was struggling and needed different and bigger help than I could give. I had to face my limitations and my child's needs and how to proceed. I had to face my grief in a new way. Since my mom's death in December 2017 I had been grieving. The grief hadn't really let up, it was merely shifting and changing. Not only was my personal world dishing out difficulties, but our world at large over the past 16 months was showing up with the harsh reality of truth - racist violence, the empowerment of white supremacists, the further disempowerment of people of color, the pandemic of Covid19, there was no one in my life that was left unchanged by these events.

I questioned my role as a yoga teacher and wellness guide, my values as a parent, my identity as a queer woman, and everything else under the sun. How is breathing going to get me through this? How am I going to face my students on zoom, when I really don't like screens? How am I going to help provide my students community, steadiness, and teaching without hands on adjustments and seeing their eyes? How will I stay steady with so much uncertainty?

And yet, for one year I have been doing it. I've been showing up on zoom and offering the best of what I know every day. I've been meditating deeper than I ever have. I've been practicing without fail and immersing in spirituality in a profound way.

My son moved to Washington to attend college. He is having a Covid college experience, living on campus and finding his way - being safe and staying in his pod. He loves his independence and freedom. He loves Washington and figuring out his path. We talk often and stay connected. Stepping away from his regular life has given him a broad perspective about his life that is new for him - it isn't always easy to get new insight. He has expressed gratitude on many, many phone calls about our relationship and having me as his mom. For a while he was attending weekly yoga classes with me on zoom. This made my heart swell. He'll come back to it, if and when, it's right for him.

My daughter has struggled over the last year (and beyond) with being human and 16 and in high school over zoom. She teaches me every day what it means to be strong and vulnerable. She is fiercely independent and yet still a kid - which can be a difficult experience to manage. She doesn't have an easy time in her mind and doesn't always want to show up to life. I've learned how to give her spacious support, to deeply listen to what she says, and to love her up even when she's pushing me away.

Parenting is like practice. We show up as best we can. We show up imperfectly. We breathe. We pause. We show up as we are, even when it's hard. We show up every day, no matter what.

Om Shanti

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Where to Begin: Ashtanga Yoga

The unimaginable.

Nov 10, 2019

 

I have stayed quiet externally; I have not internally.

 

I have not posted anything, or even talked about it in my classes. I have talked to my closest friends and colleagues.

 

I am a person who often doesn't get involved in social media, what people are posting, or who is saying what. At times I don't even listen to the news or read about what is happening. This is sometimes the wrong approach. I keep my head down and plant my feet firmly on the ground and do what needs to be done. This is how I often keep myself steady.

 

Until now, I have not spoken out about Pattahbi Jois' sexual misconduct and harm towards his students. I have not spoken out about the stories shared by the women who have come forth saying they were hurt sexually.

 

 

I believe.

 

We have to believe the women who have come forward about their experience of sexual assault by the hands, and under the guidance, of Sri K Pattabhi Jois. We have to honor their experience. Women don't make this up. They were harmed in the way that Pattabhi Jois touched and adjusted their bodies in the yoga room. They were harmed by the culture of silence that surrounded the harm. They were harmed by the culture of holding the guru on a different plain than others. They were most likely also harmed by they way things have unfolded today.

 

 

The past.

 

I have been practicing and teaching Ashtanga yoga for over 20 years (albeit on the fringes a bit) and cannot imagine my life or my students' lives without this practice. On the fringes, because I have never sought out certification or authorization. One, because until only recently could I even afford to make a trip to India (I have been raising children for the last 18 years); two, I feel like the process of certification and authorization builds a wall between who is inside and who is outside; and three, this process does not create a teacher, only a practitioner.

 

Early on in my Ashtanga experience (1999) I had the realization that yogis don't always practice the 8 limbs, and as a result harm was caused to me and others. I was shocked and in disbelief that someone could call themselves a yogi and be a yoga teacher, and directly and unequivocally harm another person. For me, this practice is not something I take lightly and I do everything I can to authentically live a life based on yogic philosophy and all eight limbs. This experience in 1999 made me question everything I thought I knew and felt about Ashtanga Yoga, and about this teacher in particular. Unfortunately that was only the beginning of this lesson.

 

 

The Present.

 

I practice.

I teach.

I hold.

I honor.

I stay true.

I guide.

 

I have tried to create a place where students who study with me are treated with integrity for their own journey, their own bodies, their own experience. I have an open dialogue with my students about adjustments and have hopefully given them space to make their voices heard if something doesn't feel right.

 

I have so many feelings and thoughts about Pattabhi Jois and his inappropriate behavior, his perpetrating sexual assault and harm on women and how it affected his students, how Sharath has handled it, how divided people have become, how confusing it is to sort through everything. I feel incredibly sad and angry that Pattabhi Jois acted in this manner and put students in harms way.

 

 

Dark and Light.

 

It is both true that Pattabhi Jois caused harm and created healing. It is both true that he was an inappropriate teacher to some and an amazing teacher to others. It is both true that he hurt women through sexual assault and that he guided others with integrity. I am holding all of the layers and stories. I have to hold both because if I take sides either way, it destroys the truth of the other. We have to hold our own experience. We have to look inside ourselves deeply and discover truth.

 

I cared deeply for this man as a human and a teacher. My experiences with him were positive. There was a time when my son was an infant (my son is now almost 18) and I brought him to a class and discussion session that Pattabhi Jois was teaching in San Francisco, because it was the only way for me to attend. I wasn't sure how I or my child would be received. I had only practiced with PJ one other time. When I entered the room, PJ walked over to me straight away with a huge smile on his face and welcomed me with his generosity and openness. He scooped Noah up in his arms and walked over to where Sharath was standing. The two of them talked to him in their native language Kannada and kept smiling. The acceptance I felt was incredible and it shaped the way I saw PJ from there forward.  

 

I believe this is the complexity of the human condition and that it is most difficult for us to see light and dark. We want badly for people to be either, or. Life is complicated and messy and in my heart I am holding both.

 

I haven't spoken out because I have been in the midst of life's storm on many levels in my personal life. I had to come to an understanding internally first, before I could put words to what I think and feel; how I think and feel about the harm Pattabhi Jois caused. About the harm that I feel, that many of us feel. I think it is an evolving process that is just beginning.

 

Pattabhi Jois did this terrible thing to some of his students and it is creating a divide in Ashtanga communities across the globe. Teachers and students are angry, confused, sad, and turning against each other because of what some believe versus what others believe; how some are handling it versus how others are handling it. The harm was done. The harm is felt by the victims directly affected. Even though the harm was done decades ago, it is lasting into the present. The harm is affecting students who never experienced the inappropriate adjustments. The harm is affecting students who have never even met Pattabhi Jois.

 

 

Questioning.

 

I know students who are questioning whether or not to continue practicing Ashtanga. They are questioning the legacy of Pattabhi Jois. They are questioning the traditional system of Ashtanga. I know teachers who have walked away because they can't align themselves with a system of yoga that has caused harm. Each person has to follow their heart.

 

I have devoted my life to this practice and its teachings, and walking away or giving it up is not an option that I can live with. Ashtanga yoga is much bigger than one teacher, than one person. Now that we know the harm that was done, now that we have the stories of the victims, we have to support and honor their healing. We have to allow space for healing. We have to allow room for their voices to be heard.

 

 

In Berkeley.

 

I am deepening my own practice and discovering the ways I can support my students in their practice. I want to open dialogue for people to talk about how they feel and what they need. There are many reasons why I haven't spoken up until now. I keep asking myself, who am I to take up space on this issue when I am not one of the people who was directly impacted. And, what could I possibly say that would matter as I am such a small fish in this big wide ocean of Ashtanga and no one even knows who I am.

 

Each day I show up and teach this system as I have come to understand it over 20 years of teaching and even more of daily practice. Each day I feel blessed to have yoga in my life; and it helps guide me to be a better human. It is of the utmost importance that I use my teaching for good. It is my responsibility to act with the utmost integrity and care in my teaching, in all ways.

 

Om Shanti

 

Kindness and Compassion Rule

January 31, 2017

The policies and executive orders are affecting people I love and care about. They are affecting billions of people I don't even know. Our civil liberties are in the balance with hatred being spewed, scientists being silenced, men and women from Muslim dominate countries being unreasonably denied access to the United States, women's reproductive rights being threatened, immigrants being bullied, healthcare being restricted, LGBT rights being stripped, and on and on. It feels like an unruly child is crashing down everyone's Legos, while trying to convince them its actually good for them and that it will make things better.

Lots to be done

Those of us who voted for Bernie or Hillary all know what I'm talking about. It's gut wrenching and scary. Every day we have to face our children and try and explain the sadness and fear, while still parenting, helping with homework, checking in about screen time, driving to voice lessons, doing laundry, feeding the dog, volunteering at the high school, going to work, and making sure that we continue mailing postcards, calling senators, protesting at the airport, marching in the streets, and most importantly moving through the world with kindness and compassion. We have to teach our children our beliefs about what is ok and what is NOT ok. Even though our President right now does not have the values we have, our values are still valid.

 

 

Community

Amidst these difficult times, this weekend I experienced the amazing gift of teaching yoga to a group of 20 students, out in the country in Calistoga at Mayacamas Ranch. We made a group agreement (ok, I might have made it a requirement) that we leave our cell phones out of common space and hold the yoga room, dining room, and other common areas as sacred. It did wonders for everyone's psyches and nervous systems. At meals, people lingered for well over an hour after the meal was finished. Conversations got intense at times, but always with a listening ear and heartfelt interest. Laughter rolled through bellies and in the end, tears streamed down faces because of the openness and support people felt. In the yoga room, no one's phone accidentally rang or buzzed. No one was drawn away from human connection by calls, texts, emails, news, instagram notifications, etc. There was an incredible sense of community experienced by all, which is a pretty special thing.

Kindness is Everything

It is only with love and kindness that hatred will be stopped. It is only with compassion that someone in need will be helped. As hard and as shitty as it gets, kindness still speaks volumes. We must look each other in the eyes and share the common experience of fear, as well as the strength it takes to wake in the morning and begin the day. We must say hello to strangers who look different from us. We must smile and offer help each day while fighting the fight of resistance. Almost everyone on the yoga retreat participated in some sort of protest around Trump's coming into office. Some went to DC, some stayed in the Bay Area, some protested in their local areas. All shared a common experience of feeling unabashed kindness. May that kindness resist the hatred of these new policies. During the retreat, I had a distinct sense of hope about the future. I was reminded of my deep trust of being human and of the ability for humans to take care of each other. I took refuge in the knowledge that kindness, compassion and love ARE EVERYTHING.

 

Om Shanti

 

 

BirthDeathCancerMarriageYoga.

March 22, 2016

Birth. Last week I watched Guadalupe Jo Betenia Taylor emerge into the world.  Her mom had a long labor for a second baby.  Her mom had a long labor for any baby. It was hard and painful and vulnerable and messy and gut wrenching and beautiful and intense and sacred.  Two months ago I watched Phillip Randall Harris Marmolejo come into the world. He was 8 weeks early. Ready or not, his parents welcomed him. It was not the birth they expected; it was not the place they wanted; it was not the timing that was intended; and it didn't matter. His birth was gut wrenching and beautiful and intense and sacred. Birth is out of our control. It's supposed to be. That is what makes life so special. Birth is one of the few mysteries left in our lives.

Death. 7 years ago, I was one day late in watching Traci Lee die. By the time I arrived to be at her side, she was already dead. She died of a drug overdose. Intended or not, she took her last breath alone. A year and a half ago, I was 5 minutes too late to be with Valerie Gail as she took her last breath. I was pulling up to the hospital when I got the phone call that she had just passed. She died of metastatic breast cancer with her family nearby. Death is out of our control. It's supposed to be.  That is what makes life so special. Death is one of the few mysteries left in our lives.

Cancer. My mom's cancer has metastasized. It started in her ovaries. Then it went to her colon. Now it is in her lungs, spleen, and the soft tissue surrounding her psoas and illiacus muscles. She lives in Houston, Texas. I live in Berkeley, CA. She was at my birth and I am not ready for her death.

We will all die. I keep telling myself this over and over. We will all die. I could walk out of the house tomorrow and get hit by a bus. We just happen to know what will (most likely) cause my mom's death. I am on this journey every day, from afar. She is on this journey, every day, face to face. She is fighting for her life. Her hair will fall out again. She will get tired. She will get scared. She will get angry. She will have hope. She is a warrior. This I know. She is a warrior.

Marriage. In two months I am getting married. My mom will not be there. She will not make the trek from Texas to California. She will toast from afar. She will not get to experience the longevity of my marriage to Dre or the ways in which I find comfort or softness in her. She will not get to experience me finally letting go of my vigilance. She will not know Dre, not really. She will not get to see Noah and Ren go off to college, or maybe even graduate from high school. This is what makes life so special - the reality that each day is the only day we have. We are all impermanent. We are all going to die.

Yoga. Today in class I compared yoga to birth. After noting the obvious differences, I described the ways in which both experiences pull you in to the present. Both experiences require complete absorption. If the student, or the birthing woman, partakes, there is the chance for samadhi - the ultimate absorption. The same could be said of death. Their is the chance to experience connection with the divine, with each other, with letting go, with breath, grit, pain, ecstasy, with everything. If we felt this feeling more often, we would understand the sacredness of it all. We would understand more deeply that this is what makes life so special and there would be less fear. We would understand that life and death are out of our control, and because of that, they are meant to be revered and honored.

At present, I cannot imagine my life without my mom on the planet. I cannot imagine the feeling that will come when she dies. I cannot imagine the depth of my grief or my sister's or my step-dad's. And, today I don't have to. Today I can relish in the daily texts and phone calls, the visits to Texas, the hard conversations, the belly laughter and the aching tears. Today, I get to witness the strength, courage, vulnerability, and wisdom that my mom shows up with every day. Thank you mom. I love you beyond words. I am grateful for each day with you in it.

Om Shanti

There is No Fixing Anything

July 18, 2015

My mom's cancer is back. Ready or not to be on this journey again, we all pick up our boot straps and get on the path - me from California and my sister from a mile and a half a way.  Ready or not to fight for her life again, my mom must gather her strength and put up her dukes.  My step dad's birthday is today.  Happy birthday dearest Jim. My mom got out of the hospital again today - that is the gift she was able to offer her husband. 

Cancer is in the center of her life.  Before it came back, there was the fear it would come back - and it did - 14 months after her last chemo treatment   I talk to her on the phone and she is tired and worn out from it already.  My sister is a rock.  She holds it all together. I wonder when she will grow weary and feel the ache in her body. We are facing the truth of my mom's mortality and in facing that, we face the truth of all of our mortality.

I am not there to experience daily life with my mom.  I am not physically there to do my part as a daughter.  I am not there to help with transportation, cook meals, hold hands, soothe the fears, or watch my mom fight her fight. It sucks. God bless my family for keeping me in the loop as best they can, for answering all of my questions, and for forgiving my distance.  This causes my heart to ache beyond words - the distance.

The only thing left to do is wake up every morning. There is no running away from this.  My mom doesn't get that luxury.  For her, there is no way around this.  The only way is through it.  I am so sorry mom.  I am so sorry that life is doling out difficulties and you have to deal with this again.

I will be back in Texas on Monday.  Noah and Ren will be there too.  Dre is meeting us mid-week. This trip will be different than we thought.  We planned it originally when my mom was feeling almost back to her regular self.  We planned it before we knew the cancer had come back.  We planned it before my mom had emergency surgery and two hospital stays. We waited to visit until my mom was feeling up for it. None of this was in the plan. If I could make this better, I would. If I could take away the cancer and the pain and the fear, I would do it in a heartbeat.  And yet I can't fix it.  There is no fixing anything. There is only being with it and each other and sharing all that we can as long as we can.

Om Shanti

God Bless

The Body is Unreliable

Saturday, May 16 2015

The longer I practice, the more I learn, the body is unreliable. 

The body fails me.  It lets me down.  We use the body in yoga, to know more deeply, that we are not the body.  For the last year, I have been healing from an injury I incurred from an adjustment in Dwi Pada Sirsana (second series pose where you are sitting upright with both legs crossed behind the head). I was in a large class working on lifting my legs up to put them behind my head and the assistant was helping me settle them in place.  Once my legs were in place, she pulled down on my feet.  I immediately felt a shot of pain from my left occiput to my left SI joint. Upon coming out of the pose, I experienced intense pain in my lower back on the left side.  I am still feeling that pain, and more than that, I am still limited in my abilities to enter certain poses because of the injury. 

For the last year I've had to change my practice and relearn my limitations.  I've had to get to know myself again without the ability to be comfortable in many of the poses.  Even some of the simplest primary series poses have been a struggle for me.  For the last year, I have not been able to do any of the first or second series poses with extreme back bends, like Kapottasana, or deep hip openers like Tittibasana or Eka Pada Janu Sirsasana.  Describing this experience as humbling, doesn't even begin to touch the surface of what it has been like.

Why?

I have questioned yoga on all levels: my practice, my teaching, my purpose, my future.  I have almost come to accept that my body is forever changed and that these poses are in the past. 

I started practicing yoga in 1992 because of the pain from my scoliosis - I was trying to heal my body.  What I understand now, is that yoga couldn't straighten my spine, but it did help me stay pain free for many, many years and decrease the severity of my curve.  Because of my scoliosis, when I received the adjustment in Dwi Pada, instead of being helped by the pushing down on my feet (like it would with someone who had a straight spine) it instead compressed my thoracic and lumbar, spraining my posas, SI joint and thoracic spine.  The physical therapist I saw, said it was like my spine had been aged by 20 years because of the scoliosis and the impact of the adjustment.  The adjustment was like pressing on an accordion.

Adjustments are a very important part of practicing.  It is of the utmost importance that when doing an adjustment, that the teacher sees the student and not the pose.  Seeing the student allows the teacher to understand the uniqueness of each individual in the pose.  Seeing the pose can result in injury and an inability to understand the process.

Secret

I am realizing that I have been trying to hide this secret and hoping that no one notices my scoliosis, that I have physical limitations which impact my ability to do certain yoga poses, that I live in a body that is crooked. 

And yet, scoliosis began my yoga journey. 

Not long ago, when I was practicing, I broke down in tears because of my limitations.  I got down on my hands and knees and said out loud, "I give up. I quit." 

Dre came into the room and asked, "What are you quitting?"

I said, "Teaching, yoga, practicing, everything."

She simply said, "No you're not.  You'd never do that.  You can't, it's your life."

I am limited

And so here I am, still practicing, still teaching, still on this path of delving into myself, my vulnerability and yes, my limitations.  When I saw the x-rays of my spine, I was shocked. It is true. My curve is real and it is in the center of my body. The PT said, my "S" curve looks worse, but it is actually my "C" curve that is doing the most damage right now.  My sacrum is pressing into my lumbar and causing instability and pain daily.  "Ouch!"

Once again I am humbled and without a plan.  There is no fixing my spine.  There is no fixing my practice.  There is no fixing anything.  I am left with myself and my breath.

The breath is dependable

The breath is more dependable than the body.  It comes.  It goes.  Over and over again, inhale, exhale, without even thinking.  I have only one choice, to come back to the breath.  This is a breathing practice after all, and all I have to do is follow it.  The breath will come and go until death.  The body, will go, more than it comes, as I age.  The body will continue to let me down as I age.  The breath, however, I can count on as long as I'm living.  If I'm breathing, I'm doing the most important part.  I tell myself this.  I hear my voice say it in class. 

I've said it at least a thousand times when I teach, "the breath is the most important part of the practice, everything else is extra."

Om Shanti

Ren is Ten!!

November 10, 2014

Ren

Today is the birth day of my youngest child, Ren Isabella.  Ten years old.  No more single digits for her.  She is embarking on the long phase of double digits.  The human form is often a burden for her.  I try my best to both anchor her and give her space, so that she can explore the depths of herself as she evolves. 

I love her beyond words and am looking forward to the moment by moment of her life.  She expands fully in nature and when listening to her music.  She is most happy when she can take her slow, steady time to delve into her path.  Do not rush this girl, for she likes to take her sweet time. 

Om Shanti Molasses Girl

 

 

Six Months Later

Sunday, February 16, 2014

It's been a while

I am in the midst of the clarity that a cleanse brings.  The clarity that often gets muddied by sugar, caffeine, alcohol and refined foods.  Most of us have no idea there is a light layer of fog we live through, because it is always there.  When I was explaining the cleanse to a friend and I said, "it feels like light is shining through every cell in your body." My partner Dre said, "well, I don't know that I'd describe it like that, but it does feel pretty good."

I do this cleanse a couple of times a year to press the reset button on my life.  It slows me down and simplifies everything.  I eat the same foods every day for five days.  It builds blood, cleanses the small intestine, releases toxins stored in the fat cells, nourishes the digestive system, and quiets the mind.  It gets me radically in touch with all of the ways that I use food to medicate my emotions and life.  The clarity helps guide me.

Update

Since I last wrote, my son started middle school, my daughter started fourth grade, I found out my mom had ovarian cancer right before her 67th birthday, found out I had to move, celebrated the holidays, celebrated both of my children's birthdays (11/10 & 1/16), my partner's birthday (11/19), my birthday (1/4), and traveled back and forth to Texas several times, amidst living life.

Sheesh, when I look back on those six months I see a lot of life that has occurred.  Each life event could take up pages here.  And yet, I find myself almost speechless to put into words how I have been managaing and holding up through it all.  It hasn't totally let up either.  Just last week when the glorious rains came through, our basement flooded.  This morning when I talked to my mom, I heard her unsteady chemo voice about the treatments that will last every week thru March 24.  I hear the pain my step dad has been in, with his own journey toward health; he just recently was hospitalized with a whole host of problems and in the end has stopped drinking after a lifeitme of turning to alcohol as a friend.

We all have stuff.  We all have events in our lives that demand we tune in. Part of why I haven't written, is because I haven't been able to face the page and write about my mom's cancer.  Now that she is on the other side, now that her doctor has used the word remission, and she's doing preventative chemotherapy, instead of survival chemotherapy, maybe now I can put fingers to the keys and type about life once again.

My mom

On October 8th at 10:48 am, I got a text from my mom that read, "I'm home and have answers.  It is ovarian.  Do you want to call me or I can text what I know so far."  I was teaching yoga.  I knew my mom had a doctors appointment that morning and thought if she was texting, it would be good news.  While my students were in savasana, I looked over at my phone and read my mom's text.  My knees buckled and I almost fell down. I walked out of the room, leaned against the wall, and slid down.  Questions were spinning in my head and emotions were welling up inside of my body.  I was not able to go back in the studio and finish my class.  I tried, but the tears had already begun to flow and I couldn't speak.

When my mom started having various symptoms, the prospect of cancer, had definitely arisen in my thoughts.  In fact, I'd thought it a million times while we were waiting to find out what was causing her fatique, distention of her belly, her sensitivity in her abdomen, and digestive issues.  But when the cancer was made real, none of the thinking I had done prepared me for what it would feel like to be faced with my mom's mortality.

Facing my mom's death was profound.  It put so many things in perspective.  Inconsequential problems in my life vanished and supporting my mom's fight for her life took total precedence.  And yet, she lives in Houston and I live in Berkeley. My sister is there for all of the daily help. I am so very grateful for her that she has been able to support my mom through this time.

Luckily, I have been able to go visit my mom several times and care for her:  both during her first rounds of chemo and after her surgery.  During those visits my mom and I talked a lot.  During those talks we healed.  We cried.  We talked about her death.  We talked about her life.  I got to experience how incredibly strong my mom is and watch her face her cancer head on and be in the truth of each day. 

My mom has had more than her fair shair of struggles for one life time.  Many of those struggles I witnessed my mom burying her head down, not facing reality, and feeling victimized.  However, this was different.  I got to see my mom's warrior side.  I got to see my mom look death in the face and talk about her fears, her regrets, her sadness, and her gratitude.  It was incredibly humbling to share this with my mom through tears and laughter.  There was nothing that I could say that would change the outcome or even make anything better.  That, in and of itself, made me realize the importance of just being close and sharing the pain with my mom.  Since I could not change anything, I spent time listening and loving and fighting along her side.

Life without regrets

My mom told me, "As your mom, I want to tell you to live your life without regrets." This has stuck with me.  I hear the sadness of her own regrets and the hope for my life that somehow I will be able to live my life in a way that at the end, I can look back and leave with peace. 

How do we do that?  How do we live each day without wishing for any of it to be different?  How do we make the changes that we need to make, close the doors we need to close, and push forward with peace? 

Now my mom has a chance for a new beginning.  She is in remission and after March 24th will be done with chemotherapy.  Ovarian cancer has a 80 - 90 % chance of recurrence.  Just this morning when I was talking to her she was telling me about her anxiety of recurrence.  She said sometimes the anxiety quells and quiets for a couple of hours before it raises it's ugly head.  She will have to live her life with that in the background. 

She does get to live longer though.  She will have more days ahead to spend rebuilding her life with Jim.  She will have more days of watching her grandchildren grow.  I am already planning for her to come to Berkeley for an extended trip and hang out with me and my family.  I am counting down the days actually.  She will get to join the church choir again that brings her so much joy.  She will get to garden and pull weeds.  She will get to spend countless hours of time with my sister and her family.  Each day will be a gift.  She will get to love on her favorite companions Libby and Gibson.

It is all temporary

The truth is, life for all of us is temporary. Relationships are often temporary.  So many of the things we have, that we cling onto so dearly, are temporary.  Many of us live life as if we are permanent.  We make decisions based on this belief.  Sometimes we even forget to be impeccable with our word, because we think there will always be another chance.  And yet, this is not the truth. 

I just had this conversation with my dear friend, who is living with metastisized cancer, the other day.  She said, "we are all going to die.  I just happenened to know what is going to be the thing that kills me." 

Om Shanti